i had intended to hide, to be nothing to you all, to not use this website. tomorrow i will block it from my phone. this post will almost certainly expose a side of myself i have long concealed.

for a time i was filled with a frothing, seething rage. rarely am i angry, and i hate to be. i fear it clouds my perception. i have cooled off over a matter of weeks, had time to think. alas, like a wire through which high currents flow, that yellow-red glow can come back readily without proper caution. i have struggled to convince myself that i am allowed to hold strong opinions and to express them, that the presence of elders in my circles means i should acquiesce to their opinions, but haven’t i always resented that among family? aren’t we all still young, after all? i don’t think myself particularly wise, but i know when something is wrong. so my anger returns again, only focused, with resolve.

so, let it be said my eyes have been opened. i have realized i fell in with a bad crowd for a couple of years. some of you are on this website, so either move on, or listen. i am aware that i allow myself to bend too quickly to the opinions of others for the sake of approval, of comfort. i must do away with that. for a long time, it blinded me to many things that i saw and knew were wrong. i felt the energy bestowed upon me for a time when i started an antidepressant, and for a time i partook! and wasn’t it fun? i sundered my own foundations for a fleeting taste of a false enlightenment, and for what? my depression has returned, sapping me of energy, and i have made many observations. 

i have learned lately that truth often does not exist, not when so many minds are involved, not when people are predisposed to choices that are easy. with regard to the subject of my rage, things are too far gone to repair, no matter how much people think otherwise. i believe even that what would have passed for the truth has been bent far out beyond recognition by actual lies and is useless. by now, all that i can count on is to hope those i once thought better of will come around in their own time, subject to reckonings of their own, ones i won’t be present for. i am fucking off, so to say. before long i’ll have found my greener pastures. it is time to be enough for myself.

i am not impressed by all the superficial kindness that is never backed by integrity. it enchants you, doesn’t it? it set me on this path, once, in that university cafeteria. it feels so, so good, doesn’t it? we’ve all been so neglected all our lives. acts of service, niceties exchanged, emotional support rendered, but where do you all go when someone is truly wronged? selfishness abounds dressed as self-care, and compassion is absent in all but the most principled. coolness warps perception, charms crowds, brings about injustice, destroys rightness in favor of a manufactured one. it reinvents a supremacy. i wanted to be cool for so long, to impress the right people. i want no more part of it. it has never been right for me. it isn’t right for you, either. it is likely you don’t even think you’re engaging in it when you are. my dad was right about fair-weather friends. i had to tell him that. what you made me do!

the white supremacy of queers is a strange phenomenon. you’re not free of it. it’s quiet, it bides its time, and it comes out when it truly matters, no matter how woke you think you are, not unless you are constantly vigilant, constantly challenging your most immediate and visceral thoughts and reactions. most relevantly right now it manifests as that conception of power, of wielding it. i’ve watched it appear in the most unexpected of people. politics permeates EVERYTHING you do. the wealthy are among you, you know, and they behave exactly how you would expect. queer hedonism, too, is an unconscientious monster, born of the real suffering we endure but without a thought to breaking the cycle. it’s always been a hunt, hasn’t it? get what YOU want. happy coincidence when it matches the others involved. i guess disregarding safety, safe sex, longevity, authentic closeness, the feelings and safety of others, etc. is cool. what is it i like to say? oh! you’ll face death, and it won’t be pretty.

this is not the only uprooting i have felt lately. lives spin apart quicker than i would have liked. there is nothing that can be done for it. i am sorry to those i have hurt. i am not happy; this pain of metamorphosis is tremendous. all the same, the rightness i feel on this path is too poignant to reject. i seem cursed to never, ever find home. so be it. off i go into fear, doubt, and loneliness. to those who might hear all this with an open mind, be safe, and pay attention. 

i will be exercising choice in my life. inclusion in it is a privilege. there will be those with whom i simply keep up appearances for my own peace. it still bothers me that nearly no one has truly checked in all this time. says a lot, i think.